Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
