can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
