this beer tastes like vomit already
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
