seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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