Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
