Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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