Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Randomize
