Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
They're all gay and their wifi network is named HOMOS. I want to live with these people.
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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