My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
