I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
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