Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
