I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
