this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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