Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
