My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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