dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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