Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
he fucked my hip out of place.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
