She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
