Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
high people should be assigned attendants
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
