her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
