he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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