i love accidental penises.
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
