you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
But theres a keg here and me gusta
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
