I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Randomize
