I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
