this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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