I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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