I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
