My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
