If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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