I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
