Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
