You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
