i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
