you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
