I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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