I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
