I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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