I'm really into asian looking animals
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize