I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
