you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
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