so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Randomize
