You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Randomize
