The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
