hotel room ftw
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Randomize
