Grow some girl-balls and come out already
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
only you would photoshop your dick
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Randomize
