She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
