I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Randomize
