mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
