I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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