Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
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