life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I touched a dick in church today
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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