Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I just got carded by a ten year old.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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