In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Randomize
