I CAN MOONWALK!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize