He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
