how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
